Questions about Oath, sins, honour, family, abuse, and rights

Mu' meneen Brothers and Sisters,

As Salaam Aleikum wa Rahmatullahi wa Barakatuh. (May Allah's Peace, Mercy and Blessings be upon all of you)

One of our brothers/sisters has asked this question:

Salamalikum wrwb, I have been waiting for years to ask these questions as I do not have a means to ask a scholar or imam & these are very sensitive questions. I am a 21 year old muslim girl from UK. I have a number of questions to ask & would deeply appreciate it if you could answer them all for me. Jazakallah firdous in advance. 1. I made promises to Allah in the past such as promising not to listen to music, however I broke many promises & don’t know how many, so will fasting for 3 days suffice for all those promises I made? I am a student who has student loans so can I give money to feed 10 people using that loan money which has interest on it? [I have no choice but to take out a loan to study & my family actually live on this as my dad does not have a job & we have no other support]. Or can I not use this money since it’s not really mine but the bank’s? Thus do I fast for 3 days to atone for all the oaths I broke? Please can you clarify this matter for me. 2. I have backbit & even lied about many things in life & about people too. I have repented sincerely for it all but is that enough to remove my sins? Also, I lied about my dreams in the past [when I was less god-fearing]; would repentance remove this big sin? 3. This is where my questions will now become personal & sensitive. I became baligh at the age of 12 years. However, when I Just turned 9 years old, I was molested by my mum’s nephew who [was a fully grown man in his mid-twenties at the time]. Since I was a child, immature & reckless, I never listened to my mum when she told me not to go near men. Most of the time I forgot her warnings & lessons, & as a result I became a victim of molestation. I was threatened by the molester to not tell anyone about this & for years I kept quiet about it but then I finally told my mum & sister [I only told them; my dad would kill me if he found out as he believes it is a woman’s fault for being victimized]. I have been depressed & emotionally unstable for over 9 years now. & instead of supporting me through my hardships & my trauma [I have clinical depression & trichotillomania for over 9 years too], my mum & sister started to Blame me for being molested even though it is not my fault. They also called me a sinner because of it & called me “impure, tart/whore, rude, flirt” because of being molested. I am a chaste, virgin muslim girl who has never had any haram relationships with men & I would never go near zina Yet my own mum & sister slandered my purity by saying those things. They broke my heart by showing how they see me as a tart etc, instead of seeing me as a victim of molestation. I would like to know what do I do about this? I am totally despaired & already have suffered so many years from depression & still do. My depression has become worse & I have locked myself in my room for days because I cannot bear to talk or see my mum or sister’s faces after knowing how they gave me no emotional support, & how they blamed me for being molested & calling me a whore child, thus slandering my purity too; I am Virgin and Chaste. I am also finding it very hard to get over this & forgive them Please can I have your view on this matter – about what my mum & sister said, & what I should do. I don’t know how to cope. I am trying my best to be patient but my depression is making me insane! There is not a single day where I don’t cry. 4. I wish to marry in future because I feel very empty inside & loveless, especially after how my mum & sister treated me recently. My family have not been very emotionally supportive to me throughout my life. My father beat me ever since I was a child till this age where I am baligh [& he still will not stop his abusiveness. He even said so]. I have many mental & emotional scars for many reasons now. Firstly because I was molested, secondly because I was bullied my entire life, thirdly because I was beaten by my dad ever since I was a child, & lastly because my trichotillomania has made me ugly & I am emotionally vulnerable & depressed as a result of everything. I also have a deep fear of men because I feel like they are all evil, lustful, abusive & they only want to use a woman & then replace her. However, I know I cannot generalise so thus I pray to Allah to grant me a pious loving husband in future. Is it right for my father to keep hitting me even though I am baligh? Is it right for my family to be hurting me so much, emotionally? 5. Following from the fourth point, if I wish to marry I prefer not to marry my own race because it reminds me of the molester who was also of my own race. I also find No attraction in my own race at all, as a result. So I told my mum & sister a while ago, that if I marry, I want to marry someone of a different race. They said they will Not allow this & said that if I do marry out of my race, they will beat me & then disown me. They also said that they will Prevent me from marrying because they know that I will not marry someone of my own race. Is it right for my family to think like this? & to do this to me? & what do I do? 6. If my family force me not to marry, I fear I will give into my urges of masturbating which I have done for years but recently quit, but I don’t know how long I can control myself for. I lower my gaze, I am a modest & chaste girl, I would never do zina, I also Fasted YET this does not reduce my sexual desire. I also crave to be loved & deeply do want to marry a pious loving & chaste man, but my family will not allow me to marry unless it is someone of my own race. But I will not marry someone of my own race because I remember the molester & I also find no attraction towards men of my race. The men of my race are also very cultural & I do not like this either. So I have many reasons for not wanting to marry my race. I fear that I will masturbate again after knowing that I am not allowed to marry anymore. I have tried fasting but it does not work. I am stuck & feeling so much pain inside my heart. I cried while writing all of this. I simply don’t know how to live properly anymore. Please can you help me on this matter. What do I do? Will I get sin for masturbating if I’m not allowed to marry? Please can you answer all my questions. I know there is a lot but I have waited Years to ask these questions. Could you also email your reply to me [in case I do not receive the link to my question which you answered]? Jazakallah firdous again. May Allah SWT bless you & your family. Salamalikum wrwb. Sadia

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Answer:

In the name of Allah, We praise Him, seek His help and ask for His forgiveness. Whoever Allah guides none can misguide, and whoever He allows to fall astray, none can guide them aright. We bear witness that there is none worthy of worship but Allah Alone, and we bear witness that Muhammad (saws) is His slave-servant and the seal of His Messengers.

Sister we will try and answer each of your questions serially.

 
1. If you have made a promise and then subsequently broken it, you do not have to fast nor give any money as a kafarrah (atonement). What you should do is make taubah, (repent sincerely) and make a promise you will not repeat that sin again. InshaAllah you will find your Lord most merciful and forgiving. If after some time you fall into that sin again, again make taubah and supplicate your Lord to help and protect you from this sin.
 
2. Taking a loan on interest is haraam and not permissible for any reason including your education. Now that you are already involved in this grave sin, make a sincere intention that you will try your best to get out of this dire situation and never take loans etc..
 
3. Every sin, big or small is forgiven to the children of Adam a.s. once they make sincere repentance. Never despair of Allah swt mercy and forgiveness, as who else but He can forgive our sins.
 
4. What your relative did when you were a child will not affect your deeds. He will be severally held accountable in the just court of Allah swt.. Your mother and sister should be supportive and protective about what happened. Since they are being mean, leave them alone. Ignore them completely. You should not have revealed this to them, as nothing could have been done. Now that they know, just bear their indifference. In time they will realize their error in making your life miserable. If you ignore them and not let it hurt you, they will eventually tire. Do not back answer or create a quarrel. You should rest assured that there is no sin attached to you whatsoever.
 
5. It is never right for any parent to beat and abuse the child constantly. Now you are 21 years old and should be able to behave in such a way as to stay away from the abuse and beating. Marriage is the best solution, as you are of age and InshaAllah Allah swt will grant you a kind good and righteous Muslim man to be your husband.
 
6. Sister you cannot marry a non-Muslim, but a Muslim from any race is permissible only with the approval of your parents. There is no way a woman believer can marry without the blessings of her parents. If you do so you will lose the support of your family forever. What happens if the person you marry turns out to be not what you expected. You will not have anywhere to fall back upon.
 
Therefore have patience and make supplications to Allah swt.. Do not refuse to marry from your own race, Allah swt will provide for a good man. Put your full trust in Him alone. At least this way you will not be deprived of your family's support.
 
Masturbation is not permissible, and you should avoid it vehementally. However, if you do err then make taubah and beg Allah swt for mercy and forgiveness.
 

Be nice to your parents even though they are not too nice to you. Be nice to your siblings and other family members. Keep wudu always, pray, fast and read the Quran in a language you understand and keep righteous company. InshaAllah soon your trials will be over and Allah swt will grant you peace and happiness.

 

Whatever written of Truth and benefit is only due to Allah’s Assistance and Guidance, and whatever of error is of me. Allah Alone Knows Best and He is the Only Source of Strength. Allah Alone Knows Best and He is the Only Source of Strength.

Your brother and well wisher in Islam,

Members of Islamhelpline

 

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